10 Rules to Surviving the Family Cottage

There are some families—both real and fictitious—that are famous in their own right for no other reason than the plain and simple fact that when you get them together chaos ensues.  Individually these family members have no special talents or superpowers, but when combined they become one big circus show not to be missed.  Families such as the Griswolds, the Royals, the Fockers, the Kardasians, and the Simpsons are a few that come to mind.  This weekend, I will be spending it with my very own family up at our family cottage, and chaos is definitely something we have in common with the aforementioned families.  In a nutshell, we’re loud, opinionated, boisterous, animated, honest, and…I said loud, right?  These characteristics are no better displayed than when we all get together at our family cottage, and if you want to survive then there are some important rules you must follow. 

1.) You must eat three square meals a day.  If you are to keep up with us, sustenance is a must.  Claiming that you are not hungry is not an acceptable excuse.  Grandma will badger you every five minutes if you forego a meal.  It comes from a place of love. Trust me; it is easiest to just appease her.

2.)Bring extra clothes.  The odds are outrageously high that a water fight will break out during some point. Being inside, not wearing a swimsuit, or being elderly does not decrease your chances of getting wet.  You’ve been warned.

3.)Shower time or any bathroom time for that matter will be monitored.  If you wish to avoid pounding on the door showers must remain under five minutes.  Also, when nature calls, there usually will be three others that simultaneously decide they too must go.  Grandma will remind  you of that repeatedly on the other side of the door.  Once again, this comes from love.

4.)Bring your A Game.  Volleyball, badminton, ladder golf, croquette, and any other backyard games are not to be taken lightly.  These are serious competitive events that will be scored, critiqued, and discussed later around the campfire.  Remember, smack talk is encouraged, and winners hold gloating rights through the night.

5.)Sharpen your counting and strategy skills before arrival.  You will be playing many rounds and of Rummy, Yahtzee, Phase 10, Conasta, Skip-Bo, Sparkle, Uno, Aggravation, Checkers, Mexican Train, and Chicken Foot.  There will be lots of talking and laughter, but don’t be fooled.  Our family has one strict game-playing rule:  there is no love in cards and games.

6.)Do not bother claiming a seat as your own.  Once you get up, a chair is fair game and most likely will not be available once you get back.  Sorry, finders-keepers, losers weepers does indeed apply in this establishment.

7.)Always be sure to get into the water quickly.  If you have the unfortunate luck of entering the lake last, you will be attacked heavily by splishing and splashing and ultimately forced under regardless of the temperature of the water.

8.)Be prepared for both serious and silly discussion around the campfire.  All topics are on the table and nothing is considered too personal especially if it involves bodily functions.

9.)Be cautious of fireworks.  Whether it is the Fourth of July or a Saturday, fireworks will usually be set off.  Due to the handful of pyromaniacs both In the family and in the neighborhood, staying vigilante while outside at night is highly recommended.

10.)Finally, speak your mind.  If you have something to say, say it.  Don’t worry about stepping on someone else’s toes.  Even if you do, in an hour all will be forgiven and everybody will be laughing again.